Hmmm…what’s this in the mail? Ah! A premium book from my favorite show. It’s nearly midnight, but I just HAVE to take a look. 

(Reading while head is nodding, eyes closing….) Looks like a good shooooowww…ZZZzzz. (Cue dream music).

“Welcome! Welcome to the Pearly In-Gates!”

What?! Who are you? Where am I??

“I’m the Equi-Angel of Horse Show Heaven, and that’s where you are, my dear…the land of Perfect Horse Shows.”

I’m in Heaven?

“Hahaha! Goodness, no! You’re in Horse Show Heaven…completely different thing.”

Ahh – so that would be why you’re perfectly turned out in riding clothes with not a mark on you, all golden and pink and white…you look like Glinda in a saddle suit.

“That’s it! Here in Horse Show Heaven, we always look spotless. No slobber on our coats, no dust on our boots, no grass stains on our jods. May I show you around?”

Sure. I’ve always wanted to come here! But I – well, I’ve actually spent a lot of time in Horse Show H-E-Double Hockey Sticks, if you want to know the truth.

“There, there, dear. We all have. Well, first of all you’ll note that there is plenty of trailer parking, easy access, and every exhibitor, whether hauling her own horses or not, parks immediately next to her stall area.”

Wow! No blocking the drive while you unload horses, or walking a mile lugging heavy clothes or tack?

“No, in fact – the horses here willingly unload themselves, and prance obediently into their stalls, carefully closing the doors behind them.”

Unbelievable! And here’s the tack room – all the tack is clean, in working order and arrayed neatly.

“That’s right, and hay and water magically appear in each stall. And better yet, the by-products of hay and water magically disappear each day!”

The weather’s perfect, too. Is it always like this?

“Oh, my, yes. We don’t have bad weather in Horse Show Heaven. No rain, snow, sleet, ice, baking sun, dust, wind, humidity, bugs…nothing like that is permitted here. Let’s walk around a bit more, you can meet some of the exhibitors.”

Gee, Equi-Angel, everyone looks so cheerful.

“Well, that’s because they all slept well last night.”

What?! They got a good night’s sleep?

“Certainly. They all had comfy beds, just the right temperature in their rooms/motor homes/tents, no aches and pains, no late night emergencies with their horses, a nice warm shower before bed, a healthy dinner at a normal time…you know.”

Uh, no, I don’t, really.

“Are you hungry? Here in Horse Show Heaven, we have plenty to eat. Let’s go to the Sinfully Good Snack Bar. Our little joke, you know! Let’s see, today they have hot, fragrant, perfectly brewed coffee; soda that’s actually better for you than water; pizza and hot dogs that lower cholesterol and taste like steak and duck l’orange; and absolutely scrumptious ice cream bars without calories, fat, or sugar. What’s wrong, dear?”

It’s just – I’ve never seen kindly, polite, calm counter people at a horse show snack bar before.

“Well of course not! You’ve never been to Horse Show Heaven before. Notice, the prices are reasonable too.”

Equi-Angel, I couldn’t help eavesdropping on some of the exhibitors in line. They’re saying how fair and non-political the judges are!

“Yes, and did you hear them talking about how deserving and sportsmanlike their competition is? They also appreciate their horses, and why shouldn’t they? The horses always perform like champions. But that’s because all the riders have clear aids, soft hands and balanced seats.”

So, who are these ladies I see running around behind the riders?

“Oh, we assign each competitor, no matter the age, his or her own Horse Show Mom. Heaven knows everyone at a show needs a horse show mom. Of course, the horse show moms always have plenty of pins, cold water and patience. They’re never cross, and never, ever coach their riders from the stands.”

Oh, Equi-Angel…it’s wonderful here! Can I come here when I die?

“Haha, what a notion! Of course you can’t. No one ever actually gets to Horse Show Heaven. I’m so sorry, your time is up, you must go. But here, I’ve got a souvenir for you to take home.”

Gee, thanks! What is it?

“A bottomless bottle of ibuprofen. Enjoy!”

Ange Dickson Finn is a freelance writer, western pleasure competitor and retired horse show mom who’s always in search of horse show heaven. Visit her at www.theingate.com.